A Big Ole Gratitude Post

My heart is full of conflicting emotions today. Truth is, I have been struggling the past few weeks to find gratitude but I don't want to stop looking for it either. I am a big believer in finding the good in all things. Call me Pollyanna if you want but I believe a grateful heart is the key to a joyful heart. I have struggled with being positive though the past few weeks. I have cried out to God and questioned whether or not He was really hearing my prayers. On top of my conflicting emotions, I have been watching my grandmother go downhill and my heart aches realizing that my favorite friend, comforter and Granny is not going to be around much longer. Which leads me to last night.

(Cagle cousins beware---tear jerker alert!)

For the past few weeks, I have been spending every Tuesday night with my grandmother. My grandfather has to work to pay the bills and Granny's health does not allow her to be left alone. I coordinated a Granny Day Care system to be rotated between my mom, myself, my aunt and cousin. Although I miss sleeping in my own bed I made a promise to myself that I would make my Granny time special. Last night was the sweetest night yet. A friend of my mom's passed on a CD of old hymns sung by RHCC, the church I attended most of my life. After dinner Granny asked if I would play the CD for her. Which began one of the sweetest memories I have had with my grandmother EVER! I cry even now thinking about this precious time. Over the next hour, we listened, we sang, we cried and we talked openly about when she dies. She and I picked songs for her funeral and I cried buckets of tears without being ashamed. Later she started to tell me a story of when Great Aunt Bessie died. She told me that she was very, very sad because Bessie had been like a mother to her. My cousin Sue also went through a season of being angry that God took her mother from her. A sweet lady (Granny Zant, who is also now with the angels) told Sue that Bessie was not sad she was not with Sue on earth because she was in heaven, singing and rejoicing with the angels. When Granny finished this story she looked me in the eyes but didn't say anything. She didn't have to, I understood completely what she was trying to tell me. For the rest of that time, sitting around her little kitchen table, we sang our favorite hymns together and just soaked up being together.

This morning I woke up earlier than my grandmother. I sat in bed for my quiet time and prayed peace for my sweet grandmother who unfortunately did not have an easy night last night. I opened my Bible and read the first verse that caught my eye.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit." Psalms 34:19

For someone who has been struggling with the "Where are You God?" this verse spoke volumes to me today. The Lord is near. He is with me.

Today I am a grateful for last night's hymn time with Granny.
I am grateful that we were able to talk about what could be happening in the next few months.
I am grateful that when she goes I will be able to hear her words in my head, "Dancing and rejoicing in Heaven with the angels."
I am grateful that God, through His word filled me with a comforting verse.
I am grateful in knowing that His timing is perfect and all I need to focus on is today. Not tomorrow, not months from now but today!

And as hard as the past few weeks have been to find joy in the trials; I will be filled with gratitude, knowing that these moments will be cherished for years to come.

(Sorry Cousins for the tear jerker! Love you all!)