365 Days Later

The past few days, I have been marveling at the difference a year makes.  365 days ago, we were in an apartment trucking along on our savings plan--I couldn't wait to be in a house.  365 days ago, I was daily meeting with my chiropractor praying that my doctors were not correct in the assessment that we would never have a child.  I knew my God, if it be His will could work a miracle. 365 days ago, I was spending every Tuesday night with my grandmother-savoring every moment with her because her health was fading fast. 

(I just read the next few paragraphs and came close to deleting it but decided to leave the rambling as is--I feel it may bless someone who is where I was this time last year. Pull up a chair, it's going to be a long one)

Last night, 365 days later I sat thinking about all the changes that took place and cried.  Sitting in the house, of my son's room, rocking my miracle boy and longing for my Granny Bonner to have had a chance to see his sweet smile and hear his giggles. (She would have loved to hear his laugh--sweetest sound EVER) Poor Baby Andrew was once again drenched in tears as I prayed and praised my Heavenly Father.  Outside of Andrew's room hangs a sketched picture of my grandparents.  I love this picture because the artist captured my grandmother's face perfectly.  It captured her sly smile and the twinkle in her eye.  Oh how she loved her family and especially her grandchildren.  I always tell Andrew that Granny would have loved him and that she was so happy to feel his first kicks when he was in my belly.  The joy that radiated from her face the day I told her I was pregnant will always remain as one of the sweetest gifts God could have given me.  You see, this time last year, I sat with my head in my grandmother's lap and cried because I wanted desperately to be a mother.  In addition to that, I wanted to be able to tell her I was pregnant before she died.  It was two days later, after I cried in her lap that I was rushing her to the hospital.  I was terrified of this trip.  Friends, she did not look good and it broke my heart to have her sitting in the seat next to me struggling for every single breath.  I knew in that moment that there was a reason why God had not answered my cry to be pregnant.  There would have been no way that a pregnant me would have been able to move my frail grandmother to the car. Granny never came home to her apartment after this trip to the hospital.  It was from here that we made the decision to put her in a nursing home.  That final slumber party was spent with a grandmother loving on her granddaughter and a granddaughter soaking up every moment with her grandmother.  I will forever cherish that night.  I love  the advice she gave to me as I cried and cried and cried for a baby.  She told me to never give up hope but to stop worrying and begin trusting God.  She said for me to enjoy this time with my husband because once I become pregnant it will never be the same.  And she told me that she knew one day I was going to make a great mom even if I never actually gave birth to one.

Last night, I sat and thought of these things and my heart hurt with a fresh pain for those who are right smack dab in the middle of where I was 365 days ago.  I cry for the women who are surrounded by pregnant women and wondering why has it not happened to them. I cry for the couples who struggle to muster up the love that needs to happen to bring a little one into this world.  Trust me girls, I know what you are feeling.  I know the ache your heart is feeling this very moment and my heart aches for you.  It would be easy for me to offer up some platitudes and tell you not to loose hope because you never know what is just around the corner.  Yet what happens if it never happens?  Will you be okay?  Will your marriage be okay? Will your faith in God be okay?

All of these questions, I asked myself almost every minute of the day.  There were a few absolutes that I clung to during my time of waiting.  I knew that no matter where the road led, I would not doubt God's sovereignty and His goodness in my life.  I knew that I had two ways to go about my life, joyfully or bitterly.  I made myself choose joy.  I also knew that I would not let my marriage fail because we didn't have a baby.  Do you know that in the Bible your marriage is complete when you say I do?  It doesn't say your marriage is complete when you have child one, two, three and four.  No, children are viewed as a bonus--they are not what makes your family unit complete.  Husband & Wife make the marriage complete.  I don't know about you but this was freeing for me.  I could take this concept and apply it to how I treated Jeff.  The 4 months before I became pregnant are some of the sweetest moments in our marriage.  What a gift from God to be able to say that.  Trust me, there were many times in our 4 1/2 years of waiting that I thought we weren't going to make it.  I am happy to say we did and with flying colors.

So as I ponder where the road has led us the past 365 days all I can do is offer up praise to God.  I praise Him for blessing us with a child.  When doctors told us it would take a miracle for us to get pregnant-God showed up and gave us that miracle.  When friends and family started to encourage us to seek adoption--I was encouraged to try a chiropractor first.  When I thought I would never be able to see Granny B's face when I told her I was pregnant--God allowed me to be able to tell her first.  She was also the first person to feel Baby Andrew's kicks--other than me. 

Friends, words can not adequately express the thanksgiving that flows from my heart 365 days later.  Yet, I spent 1000+ words trying to do so just now.  Oh sweet girl, reading this on the other end of the screen who needed these words tonight, I pray it blesses you. 

I'm praying for you and my heart aches with you.

Thankful for Books

As many of you already know, I am an avid reader. I heart books!

The other night at church, I picked up a copy of Keep a Quiet Heart by Elisabeth Elliot that I had been flipping through each week. I decided it was time to take this book home for myself when I read this section. I think it is hilarious yet very convicting.

SEVERAL WAYS TO MAKE YOURSELF MISERABLE

1. Count your troubles, name them one by one-at the breakfast table, if anybody will listen, or as soon as possible thereafter.

2. Worry every day about something. Don't let yourself get out of practice. It won't add a cubit to your stature but it might burn a few calories.

3. Pity yourself. If you do enough of this, nobody else will have to do it for you.

4. Devise clever but decent ways to serve God and mammon. After all, man's got to live.

5. Make it your business to find out what the Joneses are buying this year and where they're going. Try to do them at least one better even if you have to take out another loan to do it.

6. Stay away from absolutes. It's what's right for you that matters. Be your own person and don't allow yourself to get hung up on what others expect of you.

7. Make sure you get your rights. Never mind other people's. You have your live to live, they have theirs.

8. Don't fall into any compassion traps-the sort of situation where people can walk all over you. If you get too involved in other people's troubles, you may neglect your own.

9. Don't let Bible reading and prayer get in the way of what's really relevant-things like TV and newspapers. Invisible things are eternal. You want to stick with the visible ones-they're where it's at now.

Pretty thought provoking huh?

On another note, I heard a story the other night about Elisabeth. In the past few months, as she continues to age, she is not able to speak clearly but can only babble and no one can understand what she is saying. A friend at church was driving her home to Oklahoma when Elisabeth fell asleep in the car. At some point in her sleep, Elisabeth started to pray and began to do so out loud. Margaret said that she was able to actually understand every word she said to her Heavenly Father. Is that not the sweetest thing you have heard? And it goes to show that as we age, we may lose the ability to communicate with the people around us but we NEVER lose the ability to communicate with God. I don't know about you, but I pray I never lose the desire to want to communicate to my Heavenly Father in my old age. What a sweet legacy to leave to generations behind us!

I am thankful...

I am thankful for contentment.

I am thankful that I am at peace with the waiting.

I am thankful that God has showed us that waiting on His timing is a beautiful thing.

I am thankful that this waiting period is challenging us to trust Him more and not to lean on our own understanding.

I am thankful for being able to serve others.

I am thankful that every month, I can see God's hand working especially in the area of our marriage.

I am thankful for a husband who leads us.

I am thankful for friends who encourage us.

I am thankful for His word to inspire, direct and challenge us.

I am thankful for grace.

I am thankful for deep abiding joy.

I am thankful that my circumstances do not dictate my mood.

I am thankful for my journey.

A Big Ole Gratitude Post

My heart is full of conflicting emotions today. Truth is, I have been struggling the past few weeks to find gratitude but I don't want to stop looking for it either. I am a big believer in finding the good in all things. Call me Pollyanna if you want but I believe a grateful heart is the key to a joyful heart. I have struggled with being positive though the past few weeks. I have cried out to God and questioned whether or not He was really hearing my prayers. On top of my conflicting emotions, I have been watching my grandmother go downhill and my heart aches realizing that my favorite friend, comforter and Granny is not going to be around much longer. Which leads me to last night.

(Cagle cousins beware---tear jerker alert!)

For the past few weeks, I have been spending every Tuesday night with my grandmother. My grandfather has to work to pay the bills and Granny's health does not allow her to be left alone. I coordinated a Granny Day Care system to be rotated between my mom, myself, my aunt and cousin. Although I miss sleeping in my own bed I made a promise to myself that I would make my Granny time special. Last night was the sweetest night yet. A friend of my mom's passed on a CD of old hymns sung by RHCC, the church I attended most of my life. After dinner Granny asked if I would play the CD for her. Which began one of the sweetest memories I have had with my grandmother EVER! I cry even now thinking about this precious time. Over the next hour, we listened, we sang, we cried and we talked openly about when she dies. She and I picked songs for her funeral and I cried buckets of tears without being ashamed. Later she started to tell me a story of when Great Aunt Bessie died. She told me that she was very, very sad because Bessie had been like a mother to her. My cousin Sue also went through a season of being angry that God took her mother from her. A sweet lady (Granny Zant, who is also now with the angels) told Sue that Bessie was not sad she was not with Sue on earth because she was in heaven, singing and rejoicing with the angels. When Granny finished this story she looked me in the eyes but didn't say anything. She didn't have to, I understood completely what she was trying to tell me. For the rest of that time, sitting around her little kitchen table, we sang our favorite hymns together and just soaked up being together.

This morning I woke up earlier than my grandmother. I sat in bed for my quiet time and prayed peace for my sweet grandmother who unfortunately did not have an easy night last night. I opened my Bible and read the first verse that caught my eye.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit." Psalms 34:19

For someone who has been struggling with the "Where are You God?" this verse spoke volumes to me today. The Lord is near. He is with me.

Today I am a grateful for last night's hymn time with Granny.
I am grateful that we were able to talk about what could be happening in the next few months.
I am grateful that when she goes I will be able to hear her words in my head, "Dancing and rejoicing in Heaven with the angels."
I am grateful that God, through His word filled me with a comforting verse.
I am grateful in knowing that His timing is perfect and all I need to focus on is today. Not tomorrow, not months from now but today!

And as hard as the past few weeks have been to find joy in the trials; I will be filled with gratitude, knowing that these moments will be cherished for years to come.

(Sorry Cousins for the tear jerker! Love you all!)

Gratitude: Day Four

Today I am grateful for being at the right place at the right time.

Or am I?

There are moments where ministering to others is full of blessings; while other days it feels like someone is punching you in the gut over and over.

Today falls somewhere in between a blessing and a punch to the gut.

Sigh...

I don't really feel like it would be very fair to divulge today's events for all the blog to read. All I can say is that no matter how rough it gets, I know I was right where I needed to be. I find much gratitude in being used.


I pray every single day for the Lord to use me and to reveal why things continue to be at a stand still. I pray to be used and in all things for God's glory to be revealed. Today I believe He revealed to me a big peace of the plan. I am grateful for this yet am still wondering why me?

Double sigh...

The gratitude comes from knowing that I am not responsible for the results. The gratitude comes from knowing a door opened a door for us to help and we seized the moment together. The gratitude comes from knowing that this person would trust us enough to seek our advice. The gratitude comes from knowing that God knew in advance that this day would come with all of it's complexities and that He already knows the outcome. The gratitude comes from believing that God is in ALL things, working out good for those who love Him. The gratitude comes from realizing that this young girl needed not just me but Jeff today and we both rose to the challenge. The gratitude comes from realizing that in some strange way Jeff and I acted like parents even in the waiting, God has given us many opportunities to parent this one girl.

Today I am grateful that God gave us this opportunity today to be used for His glory.

I am filled with gratitude.

Gratitude: Day Three

Today is all about Jeff.

This is Jeff entertaining our little twin friends, Sami and Kate. I had to snap this picture for proof of Kate's love for Jeff. She just can't seem to take her eyes off my man. Which of course, he eats up.

Each day I fall more and more in love with this man. He has been a huge support to me in recent weeks and has gone over and beyond the call of duty to comfort me, support me and to love me. I thank God daily for blessing me with this man!

One Sunday afternoon, he decided we need to sing a hymn, before our Sunday nap. I decided to go with it because I had no doubt his song would be entertaining. He sings in his loudest, most upbeat voice, "I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart! Where, Susan?

"Down in my heart!"

"Correct! I've got the joy, joy, joy down in my heart. Down in my heart today!"

I loved every minute. Yet, I still have no idea why he thought of that song.

Another night he took me to eat at Olive Garden. YUM! We were in the middle of trying to sort out a few unknowns we need to discuss. We were both nervous but trying to be brave for the other person. Then, he looks deep into my eyes and says "One day at time SWEET! JESUS!" I laughed so hard because that sums up exactly what I was feeling too.

Now at random times, we will turn to each other and say, "One day at a time SWEET! JESUS! " And of course we have to yell sweet and Jesus each time.

I guess you can say this is our newest family motto. The first family motto was "If it's free it's for me." The second family motto was "That behavior is just crazy and we don't do crazy round here!" (I will tell you the story behind that, one day at my funeral)

This week alone Jeff has gone over and beyond the call of duty with stuff around the house. He made dinner Monday, he surprised me by taking my grocery list and filling it and the next day he started the crock pot for me and even cleaned up the kitchen.

I have found myself saying over and over the past few weeks, "Thank you Jeff for your help!"

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

And a side note to the ladies reading this thinking "I wish my husband did that."

When Jeff and I got married, we were both very self absorbed people. We wanted the other to serve us and to make us happy. The problem with that thinking is you get stuck in a rut of me, me, me. Plus spouses are human and can not be the only source of happiness. One day, in the middle of a very rocky year, we sat down and had a what can I do for you meeting. It was a huffy affair, full of arrogance and bitter words. Thanks be to God we grew beyond that point and started truly communicating to each other. I once had a professor in college tell me that marriage was about giving not taking. In that first meeting, those words came back to me. Over the next few months, we started to take our guard down and in a calm tone told each other our top 5 needs. Over the years, we have referred back to that list many times. I am not saying we are perfect because we are not. I mess up more than I care to admit and I nag more than I should. Yet, let me tell you why I believe things have been different in the past year. I seek to serve him and he seeks to serve me. I encourage more than I nag and I believe this is why he chooses to go out of his way to do little things for me. My man loves to be honored, plain and simple. So if you are sitting on the other side of the screen, in the middle of a rocky situation in your marriage, take a moment. Pray. Confess to God your arrogance. Seek your husband and do the same. Schedule a time for you to talk. (And don't get your panties in a bunch if now is not the best time, men need time to process) Pray together. Walk away from that meeting seeking ways to give to your husband. And for the love of God, don't get mad if he doesn't change over night. In fact, don't even worry about him because all you can change AND control is yourself.

Remember, marriage is about giving not about taking!!

And...

One day at a time, SWEET! JESUS!!

Gratitude: Day Two

My plan was to post yesterday. As you can see, I did not post yesterday. Why? Because yesterday was a long, full day of activity.

In fact, Monday and Tuesday have both been very long days. I am looking forward to a less hectic schedule the rest of the week.

Which brings me to today's gratitude entry.

Monday before my Biblical Counseling class at church, Jeff calls my friend AJ's cell to give her a message. The message, "Front door knob broke-please enter through backdoor." What?!? I was not sure I could enter through the back. I left class an hour early because I needed to get home to finish a project for a meeting I had on Tuesday. I am sooooo glad I did.

While putting on comfy clothes, I heard a click, click, click sound. I thought someone was breaking in to our apartment. I told myself not to freak out. Afterall, I do own a gun and I do know how to use it. I heard the click, click, click again and realized that it didn't sound like it was coming from the front door and it didn't sound like a click, click, click but a drip, drip, drip. I stepped into the bathroom and felt the wet carpet under my feet. Yes, our brand new carpet was soaking wet.

The culprit of the drip, drip, drip....the hot water heater.

Long story short, I called our emergency maintenance hot line and Bill, the head handy man came to check it out. When he called me it was 11 at night. I felt horrible for him because he was not usually on call for emergencies and since he is close to my grandfather's age knew he was probably asleep or going to bed quickly. But at the same time, I was thankful that it was Bill coming to my rescue since he is the most reliable and capable of the two maintenance men.

Long story even shorter, he came, he fixed the hot water heater and would not leave until he changed out the front door. It was past midnight when he left. Bless his heart.

You can see why I would pick Bill to be my gratitude entry # 2. What a blessing to have someone who is reliable, safe and willing to go the extra mile for us.

Thanks Bill for taking such good care of us over the last 7 years. You are a blessing to us and so many others!

Gratitude Attitude

I was reminded of this quote today in my quiet time.

"Gratitude- The heart that is constantly overflowing with gratitude will be safe from those attacks of resentfulness and gloom that bother so many persons." A.W Tozer

I wrote in my journal today that I choosing gratitude over self pity and then wrote the following list. I share just a few with you.

Lord, I am thankful for my husband, his strength, his leadership and love

Lord, I am grateful for my church family who continually encourages me in good times and bad always pointing me back to the cross.

Lord I am thankful for renewed friendships. Thank you for bringing people into my life who I have not talked to in many years. Too many to write and I praise you for these old friends.

Lord I am thankful for the ministry you have given me-what a joy to see Ephesians 2:10 played out in my life.

Lord thank you for the feeling of contentment that overflows in my life right now. Thank you for showing me that this time of waiting should be cherished. I know your timing is perfect so I wait with hopeful anticipation for the coming months.

Friends, God has been faithful over this past year to show us that His timing is perfect and that He does have a plan for me. As I finished writing my last thankful statement, I looked at the bottom of that page and this verse was written there.

"For I know the plans I have for you" says the Lord, "They are plans for good." Jeremiah 29:11 TLB

And on another note, I can't wait to share with you pictures from the last week. Jeff was on a roll one night and I was able to capture his mood on camera. I have pictures from the Turkey Trot too.

I hope you guys are having a wonderful Saturday. I am heading to the movies in an hour to see Quantum of Solice then Hubs and I are going to be one with the fellow consumers of DFW and shop a bit.

Today I ...

Today I treated myself to a warm fire during my quiet time.

Today I am still in my pj's as I get a few things done at work.

Today I will have to get dressed to head to the post office although a few hours of lounging around has been nice.

Today I am actually going to cook the homemade lasagna, yesterday I ran out time.

Today I am skimming through my recipes and cookbooks to find the perfect dish to bake. I am craving something sweet but may try Aunt Bessie's Yeast Rolls. I would love to bless my in-laws with a batch of Bessie's rolls but need to do a test run before Thanksgiving.

Today I am resting in God's goodness and faithfulness.

Today I am praising God for friends who let me be real and show my fears through tears.

Today I am listening to the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack.

Today I am making a list of things to discuss with Margaret for the Women's Retreat.

Today I am thankful that our dinner got postponed until tomorrow night so I can relax today.

Today I am going to finish my ads for work. (Thank Ya Jesus!)

Today I am going to call and check on a sweet friend who is not having a very good week.

Today I am going to walk 2 miles, I am training for the Turkey Trot next week.

Today I pray, will be a good day!

Cultivating Gratitude

I love the Revive Our Hearts backgrounds, they always seem to have one that speaks to my season of life. This one says, "Gratitude: The heart that is constantly overflowing with gratitude will be safe from the attacks of resentfulness and gloom that bother so many persons." A.W Tozer


Can I get a AMEN!?!?

This quote hits home to my life in so many ways. If I wanted to, I could grow bitter and resentful in the waiting. I know it wouldn't be hard almost like the flip of a switch. But that would be crazy and I don't do crazy! Over the past year, I have celebrated with many who have become pregnant and had a baby. I cherish every life God has given to my friends. I love the fact that many of my friend's children run to Jeff and I when we walk into the room. It's like they know that fun times are ahead. We love giving the kids laughter. But more than that we love watching the kids minds work. I love to see how a child kind of takes it all in, they soak up the moment and can come up with some of the funniest activities or phrases.

Truly, God is blessing us in the waiting. Yesterday was a blessing for us in the land of children's ministry. The pastor's wife and I have been teaching the children the 10 Commandments. Yesterday they did this in front of the church. Many of the kids were able to recite the commandments very quickly after we said, "Number One, Number Two" and so on. Oh they made us proud.

So proud in fact, that is all Jeff and I talked about on the way home. I promise you that for most of the day yesterday we talked about each one of our students. "Aren't you proud of so and so?" and "Isn't it fun to see so and so come out of his shell?"

It's fun to live in the moment, doing what God has called for us to do in this season. I am grateful for the moments where we can see God's plan unfolding in our lives. I am grateful for this journey with all it's twists and turn. I admit that sometimes I do get sad, but I choose never to grow bitter or resentful. I am trusting and I am living fully in the plans God has for us.

And I believe that is why I am able to cultivate a heart of gratitude.