365 Days Later

The past few days, I have been marveling at the difference a year makes.  365 days ago, we were in an apartment trucking along on our savings plan--I couldn't wait to be in a house.  365 days ago, I was daily meeting with my chiropractor praying that my doctors were not correct in the assessment that we would never have a child.  I knew my God, if it be His will could work a miracle. 365 days ago, I was spending every Tuesday night with my grandmother-savoring every moment with her because her health was fading fast. 

(I just read the next few paragraphs and came close to deleting it but decided to leave the rambling as is--I feel it may bless someone who is where I was this time last year. Pull up a chair, it's going to be a long one)

Last night, 365 days later I sat thinking about all the changes that took place and cried.  Sitting in the house, of my son's room, rocking my miracle boy and longing for my Granny Bonner to have had a chance to see his sweet smile and hear his giggles. (She would have loved to hear his laugh--sweetest sound EVER) Poor Baby Andrew was once again drenched in tears as I prayed and praised my Heavenly Father.  Outside of Andrew's room hangs a sketched picture of my grandparents.  I love this picture because the artist captured my grandmother's face perfectly.  It captured her sly smile and the twinkle in her eye.  Oh how she loved her family and especially her grandchildren.  I always tell Andrew that Granny would have loved him and that she was so happy to feel his first kicks when he was in my belly.  The joy that radiated from her face the day I told her I was pregnant will always remain as one of the sweetest gifts God could have given me.  You see, this time last year, I sat with my head in my grandmother's lap and cried because I wanted desperately to be a mother.  In addition to that, I wanted to be able to tell her I was pregnant before she died.  It was two days later, after I cried in her lap that I was rushing her to the hospital.  I was terrified of this trip.  Friends, she did not look good and it broke my heart to have her sitting in the seat next to me struggling for every single breath.  I knew in that moment that there was a reason why God had not answered my cry to be pregnant.  There would have been no way that a pregnant me would have been able to move my frail grandmother to the car. Granny never came home to her apartment after this trip to the hospital.  It was from here that we made the decision to put her in a nursing home.  That final slumber party was spent with a grandmother loving on her granddaughter and a granddaughter soaking up every moment with her grandmother.  I will forever cherish that night.  I love  the advice she gave to me as I cried and cried and cried for a baby.  She told me to never give up hope but to stop worrying and begin trusting God.  She said for me to enjoy this time with my husband because once I become pregnant it will never be the same.  And she told me that she knew one day I was going to make a great mom even if I never actually gave birth to one.

Last night, I sat and thought of these things and my heart hurt with a fresh pain for those who are right smack dab in the middle of where I was 365 days ago.  I cry for the women who are surrounded by pregnant women and wondering why has it not happened to them. I cry for the couples who struggle to muster up the love that needs to happen to bring a little one into this world.  Trust me girls, I know what you are feeling.  I know the ache your heart is feeling this very moment and my heart aches for you.  It would be easy for me to offer up some platitudes and tell you not to loose hope because you never know what is just around the corner.  Yet what happens if it never happens?  Will you be okay?  Will your marriage be okay? Will your faith in God be okay?

All of these questions, I asked myself almost every minute of the day.  There were a few absolutes that I clung to during my time of waiting.  I knew that no matter where the road led, I would not doubt God's sovereignty and His goodness in my life.  I knew that I had two ways to go about my life, joyfully or bitterly.  I made myself choose joy.  I also knew that I would not let my marriage fail because we didn't have a baby.  Do you know that in the Bible your marriage is complete when you say I do?  It doesn't say your marriage is complete when you have child one, two, three and four.  No, children are viewed as a bonus--they are not what makes your family unit complete.  Husband & Wife make the marriage complete.  I don't know about you but this was freeing for me.  I could take this concept and apply it to how I treated Jeff.  The 4 months before I became pregnant are some of the sweetest moments in our marriage.  What a gift from God to be able to say that.  Trust me, there were many times in our 4 1/2 years of waiting that I thought we weren't going to make it.  I am happy to say we did and with flying colors.

So as I ponder where the road has led us the past 365 days all I can do is offer up praise to God.  I praise Him for blessing us with a child.  When doctors told us it would take a miracle for us to get pregnant-God showed up and gave us that miracle.  When friends and family started to encourage us to seek adoption--I was encouraged to try a chiropractor first.  When I thought I would never be able to see Granny B's face when I told her I was pregnant--God allowed me to be able to tell her first.  She was also the first person to feel Baby Andrew's kicks--other than me. 

Friends, words can not adequately express the thanksgiving that flows from my heart 365 days later.  Yet, I spent 1000+ words trying to do so just now.  Oh sweet girl, reading this on the other end of the screen who needed these words tonight, I pray it blesses you. 

I'm praying for you and my heart aches with you.