Waving My White Flag

I have been working on a little ditty called surrender. Oh man, it hasn't been easy but it something that has to be done. I must surrender to the LORD'S PLAN FOR MY LIFE AND NOT SUSAN'S PLAN.

A friend asked me almost a year ago, "What will you do if you never have children?" In my head I thought to myself "Whatever, it will never happen. We will have children." Out loud I said, "Move ahead with joy, I guess, because I will not be a bitter, barren woman." And we laughed at the thought of me becoming bitter and the word barren. Yet, it has been my biggest fear thus far in my life. Bitter and Barren are strange words to me.

Hang with me please.

By no means are you to read this post and think Jeff and I are giving up on children. But I must tell you this in order to get you to the point I am trying to make. Sometimes life does not turn out the way we choose. If Jeff and I had our way, we would be spending this summer decorating our new home with hopefully a little one on the way. None of these things have happened though, so we are learning to move ahead.

Questions I find myself working through...Does it mean that God is not there because the Clomid didn't work? NO! Does it mean that He cares for us any less because we are still in a holding pattern? NO! God has shown us over and over that His hand is guiding us every step of the way. Over the past three years, Jeff and I have grown closer in our marriage and both of us would say that our quiet times have been sweeter because of the waiting period. To God be the glory great things He hath done.

But let me tell you about what God is doing in my heart, today. One, I am realizing that I don't need to plan the next detail or sit wondering about the what ifs, I can live fully even if the wait seems long (or if the wait goes on forever). I have found that I am more relaxed because I am not allowing the hope of a house or baby to be my ultimate joy. My ultimate joy is living in the moment, serving God fully and giving Him the reigns for every aspect of my life. I know one day I am going to look back on this season and shed a few happy tears. I can look back even now and shed a few happy tears because of all that God has done in our hearts. Again, to God be the glory great things He hath done.

Is it easy to let go? Hell, no! (Sorry I just had to say it with that amount of force.) But has it been rewarding? Hell, YEA it has! (Sorry, last time I say it like that, promise)

And to make this post even more hippity-hoppity-all over the place. When I was in high school, I was introduced to Rich Mullins music. I heart me some Rich Mullin's tunes.

One song, above all has stuck with me to this day. It's call Hold Me Jesus. There is one line that I have chewed on many times in recent weeks, it so describes what I am going through.

Surrender don't come natural to me

I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want

Than to take what You give that I need

And I've beat my head against so many walls

Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees

Last night I did something I have been meaning to do for sometime now. I went to my home Church's prayer garden. There is a section of open field where three crosses stand in the sun. I grabbed my camera so I could document this journey. Last night, before the sun went down, I sat at the cross and sang, "I Surrender All." I didn't really care if anyone heard me or saw me worshipping there. It wasn't about how I looked or sounded, it was what was going on inside my heart that really mattered.

When all was said and done, I left that garden a changed woman. I fully surrender to the Lord's plan for my life. Kids or no kids. House or no house. I rest in His plans for me. It feels good but strange at the same time. I was quite comfortable carrying that burden around with me these past few years. But not anymore, I am freed from the need to do things my own way. God, you are fully in control with whatever this life leads.








All to Jesus, I surrender. All to Him I freely give. I will ever love and trust Him, in His presence daily live. I surrender all. I surrender all. All to thee my blessed Savior, I surrender all.